I always assumed that I struggled around this time of year due to seasonal depression, but with this winter being one of the warmest, I can put that to bed.
It’s not lost on me what day it is today. I always assumed I hated Valentine’s Day for not having a significant other. Having no desire to be in a relationship, I can put that to rest too.
Up until recently, I thought the heaviness might have to do with when I admitted myself to the hospital around that same day. I never would’ve made that connection without seeing those court documents. Almost like a scanned document was telling me what my body already knew. I believe now more than ever that the body does remember even when the mind doesn’t.
It feels particularly chilling to me that I don’t remember the events of that particular day, but remember all the other horrific days, weeks, months, and years. What more did he do to me that my little mind couldn’t take? Knowing there was a version of me experiencing two very different worlds on any given day is heartbreaking, but knowing I wasn’t even spared on Valentine’s Day feels particularly devastating.
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